Write Quietly And Carry A Large Pen

Occasionally, Thomas stumbles across a writer—often in a library—keen to advertise how brilliant their writing is, by bashing the proverbial out of their computer keyboard; smashing the keys in self-chastisement as evidence of struggle beneath their sheer burden of genius. Thomas, however, believes writing ought to be a gentle, organic process of nurture, with words caressed from finger to screen, rather than smashed out as though the keyboard’s responsible. Mind you, considering some of the rubbish written nowadays, frustration on their part is understandable. It is perhaps surprising, therefore, that Thomas hasn’t set fire to his.

Thomas has a four-pronged approach to dealing with noisy, self-important typers.

Firstly, he ignores them. Feigning oblivion to their supposed genius not only gets their goat, but tethers it to something heavy and moving at speed.

Secondly, he types casually in an effort to prove that being a psychotic keyboard smasher is not a prerequisite for genius. Instead, typing casually suggests that typing violently wrings out creativity about as effectively as peeing from an empty bladder. Moreover, typing casually implies that genius emerges quietly from shadows, rather than bashed into existence by some twat thrashing a keyboard. Violence has no place in creativity—unless one writes about that sort of thing. Typing violently confuses creativity with conceit, although Thomas manages that well enough with his spelling.

Thirdly, Thomas types constantly, even if it’s just random letters, which suggests an effortless, uninterrupted flow of creativity requiring little taming.

Fourthly, he pours orange juice on their keyboard. This really shuts them up. Well, stops their typing at least. They often get violent too—not surprising considering what they’ve been doing to their keyboard—which Thomas counters with impressive one-handed karate moves while his other hand remains typing. This impresses librarians too, who dislike noisy patrons.

A talented writer has no need to broadcast. Advertising the fact is like asking for directions for a destination they’re vying for. Brilliant writers have no need as they are there already.

Thomas, ironically, isn’t.